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Craig Harper is Australia's leading
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For the purpose of today's discussion, when I use the term "argument" I am talking about the loud, heated, unpleasant kind; the "I'm not listening to you" kind. I'm not referring to a friendly, good-natured, verbal disagreement and I'm definitely not talking about a discussion or an intelligent debate.
Shattered Tranquility
The other day (Good Friday) I was sitting in my front yard reading a book when I became aware of, what sounded like, two people arguing. I did my best to ignore the noise pollution and focus on my book but a few minutes later they were still going at it. By the time I had read the same sentence fifteen times in a row, I decided to investigate the chaos that was invading my tranquility and study time. Out of curiosity and perhaps a little frustration, I walked over to the (head-high) fence that surrounds my yard and took a peek over the top to see a couple in their mid-thirties going nuts at each other in the front seat of their car; which was unfortunately parked on the other side of my fence - fifteen feet away. The volume of their voices alternated between very loud talking, screaming and flat-out verbal abuse and the open car windows didn't help. While I couldn't hear the specifics - neither did I have any desire to - it seemed that the rather loud couple were arguing about something to do with their plans for the weekend, their in-laws and each other's selfishness. And let me just add as an incidental side issue that the "F Bomb" was an integral and regular part of the conversation; always good with kids walking up and down the street.
My Thoughts on Arguing
Before we explore this topic any further, let me say that while I am a relatively strong personality with strong ideas and views, I rarely argue with people. In fact, almost never. I consider it to be a complete waste of my time and emotional energy. In general conversation I rarely share my thoughts with people unless (1) they ask for them or (2) I feel it's appropriate or (3) I believe my thoughts and ideas may add value to the conversation. If I get a sense that someone is not open to what it is I have to say, I simply won't go there. Some people are surprised to discover how quiet I can be in some social situations and certain settings. I don't believe in talking for the sake of it. The years have taught me that many people don't actually want a conversation; they want an audience. It's also my experience that an argument is far more likely to produce more problems (negatives) than it ever will solutions (positives). Yet despite this obvious truth, many of us continue to argue almost every single day of our lives. Invariably with bad outcomes.
The Noise Continues
After tolerating Mr and Mrs Loud and Obnoxious for five minutes or so and not really wanting to become part of the action, I decided to retreat to the house to make myself a cup of tea in the hope that both, them and their noise, would be gone by the time I headed back to my sanctuary. Of course, it wasn't to be. I walked back to my special reading chair under the tree and the noise continued. In fact, it may have escalated. I struggled on for a few minutes trying to absorb the words on the pages before me but it was pointless. I sat there for a minute or so wondering what to do. Years of bouncing in pubs had been perfect training for me to deal with loud, aggressive, irrational people but still, it isn't really high on my to do list these days. "I'm much older and I teach people about calm and consciousness now", I thought to myself. Nonetheless, some situations call for less theory and more action. I lifted myself from my special reading chair, walked through the side gate of my property and headed down my driveway towards the car of the Tranquility Shatterers. I can't be sure but I may have had a mildly pissed-off look on my face. Eckhart would have been so disappointed. As I approached the car, the bloke could see me but the woman couldn't as she had her back to me. I stopped about a metre from the car door and she slowly became aware that I was behind her. The yelling stopped and they both turned their attention to me. "What do you want?", the alpha-male behind the steering wheel barked at me in a rude and aggressive tone. I won't lie and tell you that I didn't fantasize (momentarily) about hurting him (just a weeny bit), but fortunately for him (and me), I am not my thoughts. He should personally thank Eckhart for that. For a little while, I just stood there and chose not to say anything at all. I just looked at both of them. He looked increasingly uncomfortable. After a little contemplation time, I stepped forward, bent down towards the open window and said "you should both go now". Or words to that effect.
Vroom, Vroom...
And with that, the tough guy fired up his engine and screeched his tyres as he accelerated away from my drive way. Once he was at a safe distance, he decided to hurl some abuse and profanity my way, while giving me the finger. Boy, he sure showed me. As the charming couple drove away, I pondered what an ugly, unproductive and unnecessary waste of time and energy that experience had been - for all of us. Completely pointless.
Some Things to Consider
1. Arguments (the kind we're talking about today) serve no productive, valuable purpose. They are a complete waste of emotional and physical energy. And valuable time. Not only are they not helpful or productive, they actually put us in a bad place mentally, emotionally and physically. It may or may not surprise you to learn that a disproportionate number of people die from heart attacks while arguing. The common physical response to stressful situations such as arguments is increased heart rate, increased blood pressure, increased respiration, increased cortisol production and increased chance of stroke and heart attack. And therefore, increased risk of death. Doesn't really seem worth it, does it?
2. It takes at least two people to have an argument. Learn to walk away. Walking away doesn't mean that you're weak or that the other person "wins"; it actually indicates you're evolving and showing distinct signs of intelligence!
3. Most "Career Arguers" seek to control and dominate. They are all about imposing themselves on others. For them, logic, truth, intelligence, facts and even your point of view doesn't really come into it. Interestingly, underneath their "tough and aggressive" exterior (facade), they are often insecure, fearful and weak.
4. The only person you can control (or should want to control) is you. Influencing others - good (sometimes). Controlling others - not good. Acknowledge the role you play in your arguments and commit to changing from right now. Even if you're "right", arguing is still a waste of time because the other person isn't listening and isn't receptive to your message. Find a better way. Rather than ramming your thoughts down their throat, ask yourself this question "is this the right time and situation to have this conversation and is he/she receptive to consider what I have to say?". If the answer is no, you're wasting your time and will probably add fuel to the fire.
5. There are much more effective ways of dealing with dominating, controlling types. Once you buy into their argument, you're playing their game and they are in charge. Note: In addressing this topic today, I am not talking about people who are given to physical violence - that's a different discussion altogether. I am talking only about the propensity many of us have to waste far too much time and energy on meaningless, counter-productive, destructive verbal arguments.
6. As harsh as it sounds, a lot of people don't really care about your opinion. Or mine. It's true. And it's okay. Some people don't want to talk with you, they want to talk at you.
7. Sadly, some people (okay, many people) will have the same argument about the same issues with the same people and produce the same less-than-desirable outcomes (frustration, resentment, anxiety, stress, misery), for years. And years. We mostly see this in family situations. That's right; years arguing about the exact same things. You know exactly what and who I'm talking about here. For such evolved creatures (allegedly), sometimes we're pretty stupid.
8. Just because you and I disagree doesn't mean we need to argue or be critical of each other. Neither do we need to "win" each other over to our way of thinking. Productive communication and healthy relationships isn't about winning, controlling or bullying; it's about listening, connecting, respecting and understanding.
So Grasshoppers, your mission from right now (should you choose to accept the challenge) is to avoid all arguments for the next twenty eight days - as step one of your non-arguing journey. Starting.... now!! Let me know if you're in and how you go.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
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