Hi Craig

My name is Lauren, Hi Lauren I'm a daily reader of your website okay, I like you then and was hoping you could help with something. I'll give it a shot. GRIEF - how to keep moving on with life when some of the most important things and people are taken away?

11 months may seem like a long time but it feels like by the time she was diagnosed we never had any time to deal with it and then she was suddenly gone. Over that 11 months I also dealt with verbal and emotional abuse from my husband, his alcohol problem, the breakdown of my marriage, I became a single mum and lost my home, severe endometriosis, blah blah - shit happens? Suck it up princess? Wow! THAT... is er, considerable. I don't blame you for feeling like crap!

I'm trying, I'm trying very hard (and I'm only 27, this shouldn't be happening!!) Do your best to get out of the "this shouldn't be happening" mindset; it has and it is (happening). By going there (that headspace) you can find yourself heading down the self-pity road and, even though it's understandable to feel that way, it's not a direction you wanna take.

Over the same 11months I've also become a better parent, YAY... started personal training (with Darrell Spencer - I know you know him!!), a good move.... If there's anyone who can teach you about dealing with grief, it's Darrell.

*Note: I posted an article in 2007 about Darrell Spencer dealing with the tragic loss of his beautiful wife Gill. It's definitely worth a read. You can take a look... here.

at my perfect weight, well done.... finally in a great financial position and scored the job of my dreams!!! Not that life is about money or career, but they are great achievements and something to be quietly proud of. Sometimes - even when we're struggling - we need to consciously 'find the good' in our world, lest we become morose and a captive of our negative emotions. If you struggle to be 'up' for you, focus on your kids. Be their inspiration and strength.

BUT every night I still cry myself to sleep because I so desperately want my aunty back and don't know how to live my life without her in it. You are living it, you're just not enjoying it. Lauren, your Aunty sounds like she was an amazing person and while she has left your physical, three-dimensional world, her influence on your life, the lessons she taught you, the experiences you two shared, the conversations you had together and the imprint she has left on your heart is eternal. In many ways, she hasn't gone anywhere.

I was hoping you may have some thoughts on this issue especially at a time when so many people are suffering with loss and grief.

A Story

A little over a decade ago, I went through a similar experience to what you're going through now. One of my trainers (and best friends) died in his early twenties. He had no pre-existing medical condition and his tragic death was a total surprise to everyone in his world. He was my first ever employee and we were great mates who spent a great deal of time together. Every day we ate breakfast, lunch and occasionally, dinner together. We worked side by side on the gym floor and he was my right-hand man. One day I received a phone call telling me that he was in hospital, specifically, in the Intensive Care Unit in a coma. He died a few days later.

What To Do?

At the time of Matty's death, I had eight employees, several hundred clients and a business that operated about ninety hours per week. I didn't really know what to do. I had no real experience at grieving and it wasn't one of my 'life skills'. Should I close the gym for a day, a week, or not at all? I was numb, confused and of course, sad. The day of the funeral, my staff and I turned up to work as usual, trained our clients for a few hours and then shut the doors for a half day. An hour later I was carrying my friends coffin, speaking at his funeral and just trying to get through it all. I was on auto-pilot and it was a surreal experience for me. A few hours later, my staff and I were back at the gym doing our best to inspire our clients. Of course we didn't really feel inspired. At all. But at that time, in that situation, I wanted to be distracted, so did my staff, so we chose to work. I wanted my attention to be somewhere other than the reality of the day. I did what I needed to do to get through that moment. And the following weeks and months. It's been fourteen years this year and I still think of him often and still miss him. I still remember specific conversations and even as I write this sentence I can still feel the very real emotion.

No Universal Solution

That experience taught me that there is no single or 'best' way to deal with grief. And for the most part (with one or two exceptions), there is no right or wrong - only different ways. For some people, talking about that person only brings about more pain, while for others it's healing. Of course there are recommendations, guidelines and numerous resources, but at the end of the day, it still comes down to what will work for the individual. However, I do believe an important part of the grieving process is that we consciously choose to celebrate that person's life, rather than mourn their death.

What Worked for Me

While I did many things along the road to healing from Matty's death, two key things proved to be valuable for me... The first thing was to talk about him often, and not in a morbid way, but in a positive and fun way; it helped me a lot. And the second is less conventional but proved to be very meaningful and valuable for me - I had a piece of jewellery made called a slave bracelet, on it are Matty's and my initials. It has no clasp (to take it on and off) and is screwed onto the wrist by the jeweller when you pick it up. It has been on my wrist for thirteen years and has never been off once. Those who know me well, know that I am not a jewellery guy at all; I own zero jewellery other than my Matty bracelet. I wear it because it reminds me of him, it's meaningful to me and it provides me with a level of comfort - not sure why, just does. See Lauren... there's no universal grieving formula.

Letting Go

I arrived at a point where I chose to let go of my grief. And no, I didn't let go of my friend or his memory, but I let go of the emotional pain. While it was a symbolic 'letting go', in many ways it was completely real and transformational because the moment I made that conscious decision to let go of the hurt, things improved dramatically for me. I still had the great memories but without the same level of pain. In fact, the pain was gradually replaced with joy. Keep in mind Lauren that while grief can be triggered by certain situations and events, it can only be maintained by us.

Not sure if that was at all helpful Lauren, but I hope so.

Thanks, Lozz

You're welcome x