The simple truth is that there are some nasty-ass people who seem to delight in other's pain, misery and misfortune. They gossip, they lie, they cause trouble, they create division, they criticise and they seem to revel in melodrama and all things negative. They have a poisonous mindset and if you hang out with them long enough, you'll become just like them. And you'll get sick. Maybe not physically, but you will get sick.

Toxic us.

And then we have to deal with toxic us. We've all been poisoned in some way and to an extent, we've all been poisonous ourselves. We all have a little of that bright green poisonous goop flowing in our veins from time to time. We think we're all that but the truth is we all have the ability and the potential to be toxic - in our thinking, our communication, our parenting, our relationships and in virtually evey part of our day to day life.

Before we start pointing fingers at the rest of the world for their toxic ways, we need to stand in front of the mirror for a little honest self-assessment to make sure that we're not infecting anyone else and that we're not killing ourselves with our own toxic thinking, habits and behaviours. Sometimes we need to step back from our life, get some perspective and identify those toxins that are:

a. Stopping us from growing and fulfilling our potential
b. Causing us to be a negative rather than a positive in the lives of others and
c. Making us sick (physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually unwell).

Once we identify those toxins we need to create and undertake our own detox program. Obviously this will mean different things for different people, but typically it might involve some or all of the following:

1. Spending less or no time with some people. Over the years I have consciously distanced myself from certain people who I have found to be particularly toxic - even if I liked them. People with toxic attitudes, toxic habits and toxic tongues. Hanging out with people who major in minors, dwell on negatives and find fault in everything and everyone is exhausting, depressing and debilitating. This step is not always easy or practical as some of those toxic people happen to be in our life. It might mean spending only the time you absolutely have to with those people, or it might mean creating some 'rules of engagement'. I have a few friends who know that all of our conversations have boundaries. If I see that we're heading down the path of the meaningless, pointless, negative diatribe, I will shut the conversation down.

2. Consciously changing our self talk. Easier said than done, but many of us need to make a concerted effort to change the way we think and talk about ourselves. When someone compliments you, simply accept their compliment and don't talk yourself down. This is something which I have personally battled with over the years. Even to this day, part of me is uncomfortable with people paying me compliments. However, where once I would dismiss people's kind words, I now appreciate them and receive them as I should.

3. Hanging out with different people. Hanging out with positive people is infectious. While I have a broad cross-section of friends and colleagues who I spend time with, I also make an effort to hang out with certain people who I personally find inspiring, stimulating and exceptional at what they do. It might sound a little strategic (rather than developing a relationship naturally and spontaneously) but that's okay, not every relationship needs to develop the 'old-fashioned' way. Quite often these 'strategic' relationships turn out to be mutually beneficial life-long bonds. I have quite a few friends who I only see three or four times a year for lunch or dinner and most of our encounters prove to be stimulating, thought-provoking, motivating, positive experiences.

4. Changing environments, situations, habits or even careers. Sometimes we find ourselves in toxic situations and it's necessary for us to walk away. This might be something relatively minor like walking away from a potential argument, or it might be something much more significant like changing jobs or even careers. I have mentored many people who have worked in a toxic environment for far too long and when they finally made the move it was like they walked out of a dark cloud and into the sunlight. The vast majority of these people regretted not having made the move years earlier.

5. Avoiding toxic conversations. Toxic conversations are the easiest way to get poisoned. They are pointless, they are destructive, they are frustrating and they drag us down emotionally and psychologically. They are also incredibly common and they permeate virtually every part of the human experience. Some of us have been having the same toxic conversations, with the same people about the same issues for years. Maybe we should cut that out?

So next time you find yourself heading towards a toxic moment, experience, encounter or conversation, take a sharp left, head straight to the toxic dump and don't look back.

Labels: motivation, personal development, self help